hi everyone. i've been thinking about what mindless shit to post about right now. like skincare or fashion or other bullshit that could keep you from having to face the realities that are your shitty life currently. but i couldn't do it just now because you know what, i am losing my mental sanity and i would feel better if i just wrote about it a little bit.
the other day i saw an instagram friend post on their story asking if anyone else felt mentally like shit. i responded god yeah. i had a girlfriend from high school facetime me asking me about the same thing. ive had people share with me really vulnerable shit and experiences of all the stuff they're going through and dealing with. so i have reached the conclusion that we are all feeling even a little bit like this. everyone has their varying degrees of shit they are dealing with right now. there's financial stress. school stress. work stress. home stress. and so many other factors individuals are dealing with right now among people of all age groups and walks of life. i want to start off by saying everyone might not be experiencing the same things that you are but we are all definitely feeling stress, sadness, and uncertainty.
a lot of students right now have been forced to relocate, either to somewhere new or back to their childhood homes. i'm really lucky that i have an incredible family and support system that i was happy to go back to. so many other people don't have that luxury. but even though i have that love and support, being in my childhood home has been stressful, difficult, painful, and weird. there's a lot of weird memories that i feel whenever i go back home. old memories of who i used to be. the same things i liked back as a kid, i don't like now as a twenty year old. i'm used to living in a single and having my own space and living my own way by my own rules. i get this uncomfortable feeling here thinking about all the past memories in this house, in this bed, in this room. i get this like major identity crisis. all the things i loved and cherished when i was a kid, i don't feel anymore. i've changed and grown so much and then it's like i regress back into my childish ways– getting so angry i freak the fuck out (which i never do in college). since being here i've thought about my exes and people that meant a lot to me as a kid. i think about my grandmother that i don't have a relationship with and other people i haven't even thought about ever while being in school.
i haven't been smoking or drinking. i used to use substances daily, especially in school as a way of cooling off. since being out of the hospital and home i've really controlled my substance intake and haven't been using since being here. maintaining sobriety through one of the most mentally difficult times of my life has been downright horrible and it consumes my brain almost every day. i want a break. i want a break. i want a fucking break!! from thinking!! i'm not smoking cigarettes anymore or any tobacco whatsoever. the things that used to make me "happy" in the moment, i can't lean on even when i am having the worst and most destructive mental thoughts. i tend to live in the moment and momentary release is so much easier than actually working through your problems. everything that i had to distract me couldn't distract me anymore. i understand that a lot of people are trying to deal with sobriety right now, especially since we are supposed to be social distancing. others are using substances too much. i know some people that told me they've been drinking / smoking more than normal to cope. that's not great either. it's so difficult whether you are using or not to be able to moderately manage your consumption and not let it effect you during this time. a friend of mine tripped the other day and she told me it was fun but also so incredibly emotional. she couldn't stop thinking about the uncertainty of life right now. smoking and drinking was a way i didn't have to think about all the craziness in the moment and now im facing life head-on. i'm trying to.
not having my partner sleeping by myself has royally fucked with my head. i miss sleeping next to them every night and i miss being with them in general. i'm the type that has a hard time not holding them for literally like a day let alone almost two months combined with my hospitalization and the quarantine. i feel so alone even though i know i'm not and that my family is there for me. but not getting the physical affection from my partner is just so incredibly difficult. so many people are dealing with this too. i know single people who feel even more isolated and hopeless with this call on social distancing. no one can date. no one can meet up. people are scared. my partner is scared. i feel lucky that i do have someone i love who doesn't live very far away. i can only imagine how people feel who aren't in my position if i feel this fucking bad.
it's been incredibly hard for me to think about happiness in the future. when you're having destructive thoughts its so difficult to think about the good times in the past and the good times to come. all i will say if you're having these moments (and i've had a lot of them) is to call a friend. or someone that you trust and can talk to. just hearing from someone you love can make you realize why you are important and why people love you and why it's good to be here. i have had the worst thoughts in the world because i haven't had any distractions. it's just been me and my mind battling itself. but what i'm starting to realize is that so many other people are feeling the exact way i have.
i promise you, this is not the end. it's going to be a rough couple of months. shit is going to be uncertain. shit is going to suck. the best thing you can do right now is talk to the people you love and when you aren't doing that, keep busy with school work. keep busy doing the shit you like to do in the moment. send people reactions on instagram stories. like a post. dm someone. shit as little as that can make people feel better in the moment. we all need that right about now.
we are going to get through this. we are going to do it together.
