it's been like a week and a half since my last blog post and i honestly can't say that things have necessarily "changed" for the better. i had a relapse health wise and have been bedridden for over a week. i'm pretty behind on school work and trying to catch up slowly. i have to pay my parents back almost a thousand dollars because i got into a fender bender in my best friend's car right before i left school. i'm on my frickin period. i'm still irritated and stressed and tired and pissed off at the world at times. but you know what? i'm actually doing okay.
at the beginning of this shit (the quarantine and the start of my health issues) i was so angry. like angry at the world and angry about my life. i felt like i wasn't productive. i felt like my life had absolutely no meaning. i felt that my body was broken. i still feel that way sometimes. all the things i could do before to bring me joy were taken from me and i was stripped away from my fun and care-free college life just so i could come back home and be shoved into brutal reality that is quarantine life.
but honestly... right now... i'm so fucking sick of feeling sorry for myself. there is actually so many good things about my situation. good things about my life. good things to look fucking forward to.
first thing– just because you are not performing in the same way that you used to does not mean you're worthless or not a hard worker. i put so much pressure on myself. if i'm not working a job i feel like i'm not making enough money or if i'm not constantly doing homework because i have so much pain i feel like i'm being a lazy student. you know what? we are IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. no grad school or future job is going to be like "Oh wow Eva you got pretty low grades in the middle of dealing with intense abdominal pain, nausea, and all in the middle of a world-wide crisis so unfortunately we have to turn down your application." I'm trying my best. I'm communicating to my teachers. I'm communicating with my doctor. I'm taking care of myself and right now that's okay.
second thing– there is no need to seriously stress about the things that we cannot control. i was so upset initially that i would have to wait a really long time probably before i could see my partner. there are still some times when i cry into my pillow or just really really really wish i had a hug from them. but i will see them once this shit is over. and i can't control that and they can't control that. it is what it is and honestly its tiring to keep worrying about when the fuck this quarantine shit will end because honestly no one fucking knows. i get stressed about so many stupid things that are completely out of my control. "When will I get better?" "When will I be able to work again?" "When will I pay my parents back for the accident?" "What is my situation going to be like when I do eventually go back to school?"
right now timing of all those things is completely up in the air. we are all feeling this way. there is no need to hold onto all of that stress. it's pointless. deadlines right now are fluid. i will figure shit out when i figure shit out.
third thing– every time i go down a dark path i try and remember how lucky i am. of course there are super shitty things i'm dealing with right now. but to be honest, i'm kind of in the best situation to be in. i have a good family. i have an amazing partner. i have incredible friends. i have a good doctor. i'm taking steps to get treated. i have understanding professors. i'm only a sophomore in college. at the end of the day i feel extremely lucky and blessed. which sometimes can make me feel even worse for feeling shitty about my life but it's okay. everyone is dealing with their own shit. i'm dealing with mine. but my life is good. i'm doing okay. i'm trying to do things to make it better.
i finally scheduled an appointment with a therapist today. my first meeting is next Thursday. i'm really looking forward to it.
i've made a lot of really healthy progress all on my own and i'm really proud of that. i no longer feel tied down to a substance to get me through the day. i'm getting used to living with my family again. i'm starting to just take in all the bullshit and let it ride. because that's really all i can do.
i'm okay with that